I hate that whenever I want to document something via blog its usually a downer. Maybe its how I cry for help lol. Or just a way to tell everyone and noone at the same time.
I'm so stressed out right now. I haven't gone to see my therapist in 3 weeks. On one hand I felt he had become bored with me and my ramblings because all we talk about lately are things like "how much progress I've made in my life" and how proud I should be of myself. I need to be more forthcoming with him. Its true I've shaken a hell of alot of baggage, actually stopped living in crisis mode, and actually started feeling again (It really is nice to let myself feel again). BUT, as much as this is true turning that switch back on returned me to a world with so many pros and cons. For me life right now is like sitting in the driver's seat with the key in the ignition and asking myself "are you sure you want to do this". Its just that I'm 25, and I've experienced so much joy/pain, but as I go forward I fear the pain. Its called loss aversion and you can read all about it in "How We Decide" which is a great little book. I feel like a coward, but I keep wondering what its all worth if every gallon of joy is discounted by an ounce of pain. Then I think of love. I've experienced it in many many forms and I'll never forget that moment when I sat on a futon in Savannah Georgia and over the phone someone told me they loved me and it was all I ever needed. Maybe thats what I need now. To just feel loved. The search for love turns people into crackheads and I fear that for sure. I honestly don't feel the kind of love I need right now from anywhere. I fault myself which only makes it worse. The friends of mine that I could get it from I won't because I just can't trust anyone in the wake of the loss of my last 3 major friendships. How does this happen? I get so close to people and then they hurt me so badly every time. I blamed myself for a long time, but I shouldn't. They made their selfish decisions to take from me and in doing so betrayed me. At least I don't feel ugly or worthless anymore. I'm not gonna kill myself or anything (although I totally broke when I found out this health whatever thing isn't over yet), but I might disappear. I'm Joe Lewis for a reason though lol (like the boxer, spelled different same meaning). I'm a lover fighting for love.

p.s.- this is the gayest thing I have ever written, and I've written a gay porn script.