Okay I tried. I've tried to be really optimistic throughout all this. My health is failing, and fast. I've isolated myself by working too much (with nothing to show for it). Couldn't afford to go home again for Christmas. My birthday was overpowered by Jesus as always, and my right eye getting scratched (cant see a damn thing out of it and it hurts so bad). My phone is broken, as is my camera. I can't even begin to express the frustrations I go through at work. Mostly because the last time I said anything I was reprimanded. My therapist asked me to think about what is going right. And even together we couldn't think of anything. I wanted to be upbeat about it all and say next year will be different. That I could work harder to fix everything. I only blame myself for my current state in life, but I feel at such a loss. Sure various people could have not taken advantage of me but I could have been strong enough to stop them. But I wasn't so here I sit sad, lonely, broke, with a welling eye. I've accepted a lot of things over the past year, my condition being the hardest, but I don't think I want to do it again. Its not that I can't. I've proven that I can deal and not die. I'm just not sure I want to anymore. Accepting these things, and learning my worth has become very dangerous for me. I'm not so sure they were the right things to do. I swallow all these jagged little pills, but I know I'm worth so much more. 2 more days, and then I'm gonna give up this gun.
By that I mean start anti-depressants and become a zombie or move away. Or kill myself Ha! You thought I wasn't gonna say it!

SO the short stories thing is taking longer than expected ,but will get done. I'm using the month of June as a month of renewal its the sixth and I'm starting a little late, but I'm gonna get on track, stay on track, and (what?) get it done.
Step one: Stop the bleeding
All the bad habits, all the negatives, all the things I have been doing to sabotage myself must stop. I made 2011 my year of beauty and I need to stick to that. So today I will be cleaning my apartment, straighting up my finances, and clearing out my mind.
My future is my responsibility, and I'm gonna do it one day at a time.

So I'm going to start posting my short stories up here for feedback, and just so they exist somewhere other than my head.

Being an Adult.

So over the past couple of months there have so many moments where I have had to swallow my pride and as I've been told all my life "be an adult".In the beginning of it blew and it blew hard. Lately though its been alot easier. I think a huge part of my initial frustration was that "being an adult" means being a better person than the other. Despite what some people have said about me (and yes I see how I can come off as pretentious)I always tried to see myself on the same level playing field as everyone else. I recall my mom telling me "Joe you're above average", but I constantly struggled with that because these people who were/are below average and at average were/are my friends. Plus shes my mom and it hard to validate the compliments of a mother. I'm rambling here, but basically coming to terms with the idea that I am better than someone else wasn't easy for me, feels dangerous to say, and helps me to acknowledge that violence isn't usually the answer.

I hate that whenever I want to document something via blog its usually a downer. Maybe its how I cry for help lol. Or just a way to tell everyone and noone at the same time.
I'm so stressed out right now. I haven't gone to see my therapist in 3 weeks. On one hand I felt he had become bored with me and my ramblings because all we talk about lately are things like "how much progress I've made in my life" and how proud I should be of myself. I need to be more forthcoming with him. Its true I've shaken a hell of alot of baggage, actually stopped living in crisis mode, and actually started feeling again (It really is nice to let myself feel again). BUT, as much as this is true turning that switch back on returned me to a world with so many pros and cons. For me life right now is like sitting in the driver's seat with the key in the ignition and asking myself "are you sure you want to do this". Its just that I'm 25, and I've experienced so much joy/pain, but as I go forward I fear the pain. Its called loss aversion and you can read all about it in "How We Decide" which is a great little book. I feel like a coward, but I keep wondering what its all worth if every gallon of joy is discounted by an ounce of pain. Then I think of love. I've experienced it in many many forms and I'll never forget that moment when I sat on a futon in Savannah Georgia and over the phone someone told me they loved me and it was all I ever needed. Maybe thats what I need now. To just feel loved. The search for love turns people into crackheads and I fear that for sure. I honestly don't feel the kind of love I need right now from anywhere. I fault myself which only makes it worse. The friends of mine that I could get it from I won't because I just can't trust anyone in the wake of the loss of my last 3 major friendships. How does this happen? I get so close to people and then they hurt me so badly every time. I blamed myself for a long time, but I shouldn't. They made their selfish decisions to take from me and in doing so betrayed me. At least I don't feel ugly or worthless anymore. I'm not gonna kill myself or anything (although I totally broke when I found out this health whatever thing isn't over yet), but I might disappear. I'm Joe Lewis for a reason though lol (like the boxer, spelled different same meaning). I'm a lover fighting for love.

p.s.- this is the gayest thing I have ever written, and I've written a gay porn script.

betrayal

Really?

"possible pre-cancerous cells" Who the hell wants to hear that?
My first response was "shut up and get out of my exam room sir". Then I thought "thats not what people say after being in there". I'm totally gonna write a standup comedy routine for this. For now though I'm going to eat these oreos and pretend everythings okay.

p.s- women of the world I now know what its like to have a pap smear. I just wish someone had photographed my face while getting it.
Oh and now when I get asked "top or btm" I get to say "top, doctors orders". (I've always just said "I'm a sideways" for shiggles
p.s.s.- I think this whole experience couldn't get more hilarious