Okay I tried. I've tried to be really optimistic throughout all this. My health is failing, and fast. I've isolated myself by working too much (with nothing to show for it). Couldn't afford to go home again for Christmas. My birthday was overpowered by Jesus as always, and my right eye getting scratched (cant see a damn thing out of it and it hurts so bad). My phone is broken, as is my camera. I can't even begin to express the frustrations I go through at work. Mostly because the last time I said anything I was reprimanded. My therapist asked me to think about what is going right. And even together we couldn't think of anything. I wanted to be upbeat about it all and say next year will be different. That I could work harder to fix everything. I only blame myself for my current state in life, but I feel at such a loss. Sure various people could have not taken advantage of me but I could have been strong enough to stop them. But I wasn't so here I sit sad, lonely, broke, with a welling eye. I've accepted a lot of things over the past year, my condition being the hardest, but I don't think I want to do it again. Its not that I can't. I've proven that I can deal and not die. I'm just not sure I want to anymore. Accepting these things, and learning my worth has become very dangerous for me. I'm not so sure they were the right things to do. I swallow all these jagged little pills, but I know I'm worth so much more. 2 more days, and then I'm gonna give up this gun.
By that I mean start anti-depressants and become a zombie or move away. Or kill myself Ha! You thought I wasn't gonna say it!